Very Ominous

[SchlongConery]

My wife says I’m not capable of coming up with a method that allows me to write jokes about anything other than asses

But I think I’ve cracked it

 

[SchlongConery]

if you have an itch to scratch. make a cut deep inside your pockets and if that's not relieving it. pull you pants down an masturbate in public

 

[SchlongConery]

I used to have a loving family, a nice house and good car until I got involved with drugs.

Now I have an island and a yacht.

 

[SchlongConery]

The Innuendo Society has seen a huge rise in it's members.

 

[SchlongConery]

Just watching a shifty looking geezer in the library searching intently through ths 'S' section of the dictionary, he's stopped now.

I think he's up to something.

 

[SchlongConery]

My wife said I was spending too much time on Facebook.
So I blocked her.....

 

[SchlongConery]

I'm in Amsterdam and I asked a prostitute how much, she said €150 per hour. Fuck off. I'm not paying €4.20 for sex.

 

[mandrill]

 

[SchlongConery]

My dog ate all the scrabble tiles so I took him to the vet.... No word yet.

 

[SchlongConery]

As chairman of the Blind Society, I was accused of needlessly wasting money.

So I arranged a big fireworks display to cheer everyone up.

 

[SchlongConery]

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

 

[NotADcotor]

Very Omnibus thread? This is my favorite.

https://www.amazon.ca/Young-Hornblower-

Omnibus-Mr-Midshipman-Lieutenant-ebook/dp/B00358VI6E

 

[thumper18474]

Whenever I got interviewed by a reporter for an accomplishment...I'd give a shout out to my grandmother..
Cus she's hard of hearing

 

[thumper18474]

If you meet a girl who admits she's wrong
Apologizes and changes her ways....
Dump her..it might be a man..
Women don't do that

 

[speakercontrols]

Your mother is so obese that when she sits around the finely appointed Tuscan villa she sits *around* the finely appointed Tuscan villa.

Yo Mama so dumb it took her nine months to make a joke

 

[kherg007]

I run a very exclusive cemetery. People are dying to get in.

 

[Mr Deeds]

I asked my date to meet me at the gym and she didn't show up. That's when I new it wasn’t going to work out

 

[thumper18474]

As I sailed away from the Island of lollipops...never to return..tears welled in my eyes as I said goodbye to each and every one of them..the only friends I have ever known..
"So long suckers"
I whispered thru trembling lips

 

[thumper18474]

Someone asked me once...What's the perfect date..
I said
DD/MM/YYYY
Those other formats are confusing

 

[mandrill]